Death of a Selachii

Session Three: 19th April
Strychnine and Seamstresses

Lance Corporals Cinder, Jerkson and Jenkins in their search for Strychnine found themselves at Ye Olde Apothecary in Five and Seven Yard. Jenkins asked the proprietor if he had anything for rats and initially he suggested Warfarin but when they said they required something stronger like Strychnine which he said he had but it was a dollar a vial and they would have to sign the book. As Jenkins went to sign the book Cinder caused a distraction by climbing the shelves and near giving the poor apothecary a heart attack. Jenkins used this distraction to read the names of the people who had bought Strychnine before which were:

Augustus Jones

All Jolson



Mrs Cake

Hubert Topsy





Cinder stopped his distraction and raced out the door. Jerkson and Jenkins apologised on his behalf and left with the vial of Strychnine and a list of names. While waiting outside Ye Olde Apothecary Cinder worked out that a machine with all the necessary pneumatic contrivances to exsanguinate a body would have to be 3ft by 3ft by 3ft and would be heavy and awkward to carry. They decided to go back to Scoone Avenue to question the Selachii’s neighbours.


Lance Corporals Gummidge and Chant made their way to number 9 Esoteric Street to a detached but not too ostentatious house. A young lady answered the knock at the door, she was dressed completely in black and was of average height, pleasant to look at but pretty unremarkable, she revealed herself to be Jocasta Wiggs and invited them into the drawing room. She revealed that she and her brother came from a long line of assassins and that he was often away on contracts whereas she was studying her PhD at the Guild of Assassins. On Lord Robert’s relationship with her brother she commented that Aldric only became friends with him and Gravid Rust to keep him safe from the other bullies, she herself was not very familiar with Lord Robert. When asked how she would have gone about assassinating Lord Robert she suggested methods which would have left marks on either the tree or the walls. She could also not see a way that she could easily remove Lord Robert’s body from the room. When asked about a machine that could be used to kill people she is stumped. She also revealed that Aldric was out running errands but would return soon and that they were welcome to wait for him to which they agreed. She ordered the maid to fetch them tea and while Jocasta was absorbed in her work Gummidge collected a sample for testing.


Having thoroughly investigated the garden Lance Corporals Valley and Knocks asked Jeeves if there was an attic and if they could go have a look in it. It was filled with mostly junk, dust sheets, the obligatory mannequin and two ghost children. There was no sign of anyone having been into the attic recently. The Lance Corporals asked Jeeves if he would show them the basement and when they arrived down there discovered that there was nothing but wine racks and a large stone salting table. Having conducted an impromptu experiment they discovered that sound from the cellar travelled well and could be heard from upstairs. They asked to speak to Evangeline and Mrs Hemmings who are in the kitchen cooking, when asked about Lord Robert and the Seamstresses they didn’t have much more than hearsay so Valley and Knocks paid a visit to Arris who told them that he would sometimes drop Lord Robert off near Rosie Palm’s House of Good Repute. The Lance Constables set off for Whore Pits.


When Aldric Wiggs returned he was a little surprised to see Lance Corporals Gummidge and Chant but not perturbed. He revealed that the last time he saw Lord Robert was at a gala at the Von Lipwigs and they only really engaged in small talk. He also mentioned that he was sure Lord Robert was not involved in the smuggling business that had resulted in Gravid Rust being deported to Four Ecks. When asked about Lord Roberts relationships Aldric mentioned that there was an engagement about five years before that had been broken off but he had no idea who the lady involved was. He confirmed that Lord Robert was indeed quick to anger and could be violent. Aldric also revealed that the heir to the Selachii fortune was his cousin Remora who lived in Quirm. When asked about a killing machine Aldric is, like his sister, bemused. Gummidge and Chant decide to return to the Watch House. On the way back Lance Corporal Gummidge buys a deer stalker and a pipe from the shops in Five and Seven Yard.


When Lance Corporals Cinder, Jerkson and Jenkins arrive at the Selachii’s they first try the door on the right but there is no answer. On trying the door on the left they are met with the suspicious gaze of reclusive plumbing genius Sir Charles Lavatory, who after Jerkson expresses interest in things ceramic invited them into his lavatory laboratory. Through questioning he revealed that he did not even know that Lord Robert had been killed and that on the night in question he had heard nothing. He became panicked at the thought his life might be in danger but after Cinder reminded him that death comes for us all he became absorbed in recording all his work for posterity. They left and decided to visit the Unseen University.


Lance Corporals Valley and Knocks travelled to the Whore Pits and found Rosie Palm’s. She was annoyed at having been woken up but despite this they managed to find out that Lord Robert had been barred from the services of the Seamstresses Guild two months before for violently mistreating Reet. Reet was asleep an unavailable for comment. After harassing Mrs Palm with pamphlets the Lance Corporals decided to go back to the Watch House.


When Lance Corporals Cinder, Jerkson and Jenkins arrived at the University a number of Wizards are gathered on the lawns trying to coax down the Bursar who is currently flying at third floor height. The Lance Corporals ask if they could help to which the Archchancellor said a net would be helpful. Cinder scrounged a net and the Archchancellor told them to follow the Chair of Indefinite Studies up to the third floor, they successfully snare the Bursar and he is bundled off to his quarters by the University Bledlows. The Archchancellor instructs Ponder Stibbens to take them to the Department of Post Mortem Communications as they requested. Once they arrived Ponder Stibbens hurried off and left them to meet Doctor Hix who was a little bit reticent about raising Lord Robert from the dead. However after a little light persuasion he agreed but said he would require Lord Robert’s body (or at least part of it), a signed letter from his family and a warrant signed by Commander Vimes. They say that they will get these things and then make their way back to the Watch House.


When Lance Corporals Gummidge and Chant got back to the Watch House they went straight to Commander Vimes’ office and collected their passes for the record rooms at the Patrician’s Palace. Lance Corporals Jerkson and Knocks decided that they would go to the Selachii’s, ask questions and stake out the house. Lance Corporals Valley, Cinder and Jenkins went to Commander Vimes’ office who rebuked their request for Lord Robert’s body and a warrant and said he did not want the wizards involved at all before he dismissed them. Changing tack they decided to talk to members of the undead community in the hopes of finding one of Death’s relatives so they can question him about Lord Robert’s death. They decided on Constable Shoe who according to Sergeant Littlebottom was out patrolling the Plaza of Broken Moons.


Lance Corporals Gummidge and Chant went to the Patrician’s Palace and after showing their passes were let in. Secretary Drumknott showed them to the record office and collected the information on the people on their list. The records showed that Gravid Rust had been deported to Four Ecks and was now living in Bugarup. Lord Ronald Rust was living at his country estate, Nonsuch Place. Lord Albert Selachii was living in his country estate Little Winging. Remora Selachii was living in Quirm teaching at The Quirm College for Young Ladies. Lord Robert Selachii was arrested for an assault he committed on a boot boy.

Session Two: 12th April
Revenge of the Reporters

Lance Corporals Gummidge, Knocks and Chant went to the Venturis House also on Scoone Avenue. The butler informed them that Lady Venturi would not be in until the evening and when Lance Corporal Gummidge tried to prevent him from closing the door the butler slammed it on his foot. Lance Corporal Knocks informs Gummidge that the butler was within his rights to do so as they had no warrant and were technically trespassing. They decided to go back to the Selachii’s to ask more questions.


Lance Corporals Cinder, Valley, Jerkson and Jenkins were in the canteen when Commander Vimes came in and presented them with that evening’s copy of the Ankh Morpork Times which included a piece on Otto Chriek being harassed by members of the Watch. Lance Corporal Valley immediately told on Lance Corporal Gummidge which did the exact opposite of impressing the Commander. The Lance Corporals decide to go looking for the other new recruits asking first at The Opera House.


Lance Corporals Gummidge, Knocks and Chant arrived back at the Selachii’s and asked Jeeves if they could question everybody in the house again in the drawing room where Lord Robert was murdered. In a moment of inspiration Lance Corporal Gummidge fetched a glass of water from the kitchen and poured it on the floor where it formed a puddle much like water would on any other floor. In interviewing everyone including Lady Selachii they discovered that one of Lord Robert’s close friends was Gravid Rust who was deported to Four Ecks for kidnapping and smuggling Goblins to Klatch to work on the tobacco plantations. They found out that the Rusts are probably not in town and decided to visit their house.


Meanwhile Lance Corporals Cinder, Valley, Jerkson and Jenkins went to Baker Street to see if they could talk to the members of the Uberwald League of Temperance. There was no one at the Meeting House, a gentleman carrying a tray of pies and sausages approached. They ask him if he knows what time they will be meeting, he says he’s not sure but he believes it would be at night. Jerkson and Cinder buy a sausage in a bun from C.M.O.T. Dibbler, almost immediately after finishing his sausage in a bun Cinder was struck with terrible cramps and was forced to go relieve himself in an alley.


Lance Corporals Gummidge, Knocks and Chant arrived at the Rust’s house to find that it looked very uninhabited. They went round the back and followed the garden wall until they found the gate which was locked. Lance Corporal Gummidge decided to climb the wall and investigate the garden where he found that nothing was amiss. Gummidge struggled to climb out of the garden but eventually was helped by Lance Corporal Chant. They decided to make their way back to the Watch House.


When they arrived back they met their fellow new recruits who were coincidentally also returning to the Watch House. When they entered Lance Corporal Gummidge was informed by Constable Ping who was serving on the duty desk that Commander Vimes wished to see him in his office. Gummidge goes up to the office and after playing knock and run for a bit (Kev, what is wrong with you) finally entered the office where he received a dressing down from the Commander who expects a detailed report from him first thing.


The Lance Corporals had completed their first days’ shift, Gummidge decided to sit and write his report while Chant wrote a letter to her mother. Cinder went to check on his device. Valley exchanges his Agatean quarter Rhinu with Jerkson for AM$20 (as he is terrified of bureaucrats) and then proceeded with Jenkins to have a drink and dinner at The Bucket where the new recruits had rooms. Jerkson went to the Bank and received AM$50 for the quarter Rhinu then he proceeded to make his way to The Bucket. Lance Corporal Knocks meets Constable Visit, a fellow Omnian, who informed him that they meet on Tuesday nights in Baker Street. Buoyed by this information Knocks made his way to the Bucket and ordered a sparkling water to celebrate.


Lance Corporal Gummidge completed his report and then handed it to Commander Vimes. Gummidge and Chant decided to go to the Venturi’s to see if Lady Venturi is in. When they arrived there was a party going on, Lady Venturi was happy to speak to them in the kitchen away from her guests. She confirms the details they learnt about Gravid Rust and also supplied them with the names Aldric and Jocasta Wiggs (please note I said Weams in the session but meant Wiggs), Aldric was friends with Lord Robert at the Assassins Guild School where all the well to do send their children. Gummidge and Chant then retire to The Bucket.


Lance Corporals Jerkson, Jenkins and Valley retrieve Cinder from his work on the device and go to Baker Street to question the Uberwald League of Temperance. They speak to John “Not a vampire at all” Smith who wears horrible woollen sweaters in an attempt to appear more human. Lance Corporal Valley apologised on behalf of the Watch and questioned Mr Smith, he confirmed that some vampires can turn into a bat, or many bats or just levitate or fly without changing their shape. He also insisted that no member of the league would attack a human and any insinuations or accusations to the contrary were the result of prejudice. They returned to The Bucket to sleep all except Cinder who went back to working on the device.


At 7am the next morning all except Cinder returned to the Watch House, Valley and Jerkson went to retrieve him and successfully dragged him away from the device. Gummidge and Chant went to talk to Commander Vimes and discuss their findings. Vimes says he would make an appointment with Drumknott at the Patrician’s Palace to look over Watch Records relating to Lord Robert and Gravid Rust. He also lets them know that the Wiggs live on Esoteric Street. Lance Corporals Chant and Gummidge decided to go and question the Wiggs.


Lance Corporals Cinder, Valley, Jerkson, Knocks and Jenkins paid a visit to Igor in the basement. Igor revealed that there were traces of Strychnine in Lord Robert’s skin, a powerful poison and paralytic that is also used to poison rats. Igor also said that a pneumatic machine could have been used to exsanguinate a body in 8 to 10 minutes but the process would be very noisy. Cinder, Jerkson and Jenkins decided to look for people that sold Strychnine while Valley and Knocks decided to go back to the Selachii’s.


Valley and Knocks were let in to the Selachii’s by Jeeves who allowed them to investigate the garden. There appeared to be no easy way for anyone to have climbed up to Lord Robert’s study. Jeeves fetched a ladder and Knocks climbed up to the window but found no sign of ingress. Beneath the window he discovered the nib of a fountain pen which clearly had dried black ink on it. They investigated an oak tree that provided a line of sight into the drawing room but there was no sign of someone having climbed up there. The gate at the end of the garden had rusted shut through disuse.


Session One: 5th April
Murder Most Morporkian

Our heroes arrived at Pseudopolis Yard bright and early, and were greeted by Sergeant Cheery Littlebottom at the front desk. When they revealed they were the new recruits she went to fetch Sergeant Colon. He took the new recruits out to the yard to find uniforms and finds out their names. They went to the canteen where Commander Vimes addresses all the watch mentioning that this week is important due to a trade agreement being signed by Borogravia, Slobenia and Uberwald. He instructed a number of the Watch on their patrols when he was interrupted by Constables Ping and Dorfl rushing in declaring that there had been a murder. Commander Vimes instructed Sergeant Littlebottom to take Constable Dorfl and the new recruits to the crime scene. When they arrived on Scoone Avenue there was already a large crowd assembled as Lady Selachii was screaming that a vampire murdered her son. Sacharissa Cripslock and Otto Chriek of the Ankh Morpork Times were also there making notes and taking pictures. Constables Bluejohn and Micah are kept the crowd back while Lady Selachii was supported by her butler. The housekeeper and maid stood on the steps. Sergeant Littlebottom asked Jeeves if he could show them crime scene and he agreed and left Lady Selachii with the housekeeper.


After following Jeeves up the stairs, down the hallway and enter one of the rooms on the left they entered the drawing room. Lord Robert was slumped in the wingback chair in front of the fireplace, his arms hang lifeless over the arms of the chair and his head leant over to the right revealing two wounds on his neck. Sergeant Littlebottom took a number of iconographs and Constable Bluejohn came in carrying a sheet which he used to wrap the body before carrying it out of the room. Lance Corporal Gummidge investigated the area by the fireplace and found broken glass on the floor with liquid that smelt alcoholic. Lance Corporal Cinder investigated under the chair and desk and found that there was a crack in the leg and also that the rug had been moved. Lance Corporal Valley investigated the desk and found a letter that read "Dear Father, I regret to…". There was no quill on the desk and the window above it was open which Jeeves confirmed was closed when he left Lord Robert. Lance Corporal Gummidge jimmied open the desk drawers with his pike as only Lord Robert had the key. The drawers contained two $100 bank notes and one $200 bank note, writing paper, miscellaneous stationary and a copy of the children's book "Where's My Cow?". Sergeant Littlebottom gathered the evidence and placed it in bags.


The Lance Corporals questioned Jeeves about the events of the previous evening and discovered that Lord Robert went to the Opera but returned at around 10pm, earlier than expected, drunk and agitated. It was revealed that the glass on the floor was from Lord Robert knocking the decanter off the sideboard, he dismissed Jeeves before he could clean it up and locked the door behind the Butler, at which point Jeeves retired to bed. He also mentioned that Lady Selachii, Evangeline and Mrs Hemmings, the housekeeper, had retired before Lord Robert returned. Lance Corporal Jenkins investigated the room to the right of the drawing room and discovered nothing but furniture covered with dust sheets and the smell of disuse. As Jeeves lead them to the kitchen to question Evangeline, the maid, they looked in other rooms and discovered that most were similarly covered with dust sheets. There was one other small drawing room with similar furniture as Lord Robert's but with a few more feminine touches. Evangeline was waiting in the kitchen. She revealed that she found the body when she took Lord Robert his morning coffee. When questioned she revealed that Lord Selachii, Lord Robert's father, has not been in Ankh Morpork for six years. She also revealed that Lord Robert does not have any lady friends although he may visit the Ladies of negotiable affection. She also mentioned that there was a long running feud between the Selachiis and the Venturis. Evangeline said that Arris drove him to and from the Opera House and that he can be found in the stable yard.


The Lance Corporals go out to the stable yard and find Arris shoveling up after the horses of which there are two, he tells them that he took Lord Robert to the Opera House around 6.30pm. While he was inside Arris went round the back to see his girlfriend Flossy who is apprenticed to the costume department, he was having a cup of tea when one of the stage hands told him Lord Robert was leaving in a terrible temper. Arris went back to the carriage and noticed Lord Robert was mumbling angrily as he slammed the door behind himself. Lance Corporal Gummidge then entered a line of questioning that Arris found offensive and he refused to answer anymore questions. The Lance Corporals investgated the carriage but all they found was a black handkerchief monogrammed with Lord Robert’s initials. When they reentered the house they found Lady Selachii in the hallway. She confirmed that she was already in bed by the time Lord Robert returned from the Opera and that she ate dinner alone as per usual. Lance Corporal Valley used his diagnostic skills to see if there was anything wrong with her that might prevent her from going out but it turned out she’s just an old and very disagreeable lady. The questioning upset Lady Selachii and she refused to continue talking and made her way upstairs closely followed by Mrs Hemmings. Jeeves showed the Lance Corporals out.


When they stepped out on to the street the crowd had grown larger and were asking questions which the Lance Corporals did their best to deflect. Lance Corporal Knocks seized his opportunity to introduce the rapt crowd to the wonders of Om but as soon as he began to ask if they were familiar with his chosen deity the crowd dispersed quickly. Lance Corporal Gummidge began questioning Otto Chriek of the Ankh Morpork Times and asked him to empty his pockets. The vampire surprised and bewildered began to do so when Sacharissa Cripslock stopped him and began to question Lance Corporal Gummidge. Just then Commander Vimes arrived with Sergeant Detritus and he demanded that Miss Cripslock leave immediately, she complied and escorted a tearful Otto away. The Lance Corporals revealed to Commander Vimes what they found and suggested that the Venturis could have been behind the murder. Commander Vimes dismisses this and said that if the Venturis were to have done it they would have hired an assassin who would have left a note. He suggested that the best use of their time would be to look at Lord Robert’s body and to question staff at the Opera House. Lance Corporals Gummidge, Chant and Knocks volunteered to go to the Opera House while Lance Corporals Valley, Jerkson, Jenkins and Cinder volunteered to go to the morgue at the Watch house.


Lance Corporals Gummidge, Chant and Knocks arrived at the Opera House and found the front doors locked so made their way to the stage doors at the side. An old man answered, let them in and then went to find Flossy. She confirmed what Arris told them and that she didn’t know anything more. At their request she went to fetch the Opera House manager Mr Virens. He revealed that Lord Robert had been arguing with someone in his box and when he came out he got into an altercation with the ushers and punched one of them and that he had to be forcibly ejected from the Opera House. The Lance Corporals asked if they could question the ushers and Mr Virens agreed although he said they wouldn’t be in until noon, it being only 10am they decide to go get a drink and return after 12pm.


Lance Corporals Valley, Jerkson, Jenkins and Cinder arrived back at the Watch house and were directed to the basement where they met Igor, the Watch’s resident surgeon and mortician. He showed them the body of Lord Robert and directed them to his belongings. The Lance Corporals investigated the belongings which are the usual three piece suit made of high quality fabric in black, the only other contents are a pocket watch in the waistcoat. There is no sign of the quill or the desk drawer key. When asked Igor confirmed that the wounds were comparable to a vampire bite and he would know as he was from Uberwald. Lance Corporal Valley examines the body and discovered that to the left of the wounds on his neck was a tiny red dot. Igor said that he and Sergeant Littlebottom had yet to carry out any chemical tests but that they would let the Lance Corporals know the results. The Lance Corporals go to the canteen to wait for their comrades.


At around 1pm Lance Corporals Gummidge, Chant and Knocks returned to the Opera House and found the front doors were now open. They asked Mr Virens to speak to the ushers and he leads them to a side door and they found a group of four men in red waistcoats having a crafty cigarette in the alley. The Lance Corporals asked Mr Virens if there was a room they could interview the ushers in and he directed them to his office. The first usher was one Frederick Jones he described Lord Robert as being extremely agitated and he punched another of the ushers in the face. He said that he heard him say “This is ridiculous” and “They will not stand for it” beforehand. He also heard another person in the box and that he thought the accent was Klatchian but that he couldn’t tell if it was a man or a woman. He didn’t see the person. The second usher interviewed was Pierre Cardieu who was obviously from the bruise around his mouth the usher that Lord Robert struck, he confirmed what Lord Robert said but that he only recognised the accent as foreign. The third usher was Albert Johnson who confirmed what Lord Robert said and that he thought the accent of the other person was Howondalandese. The final usher interviewed was one Bryn Brennan who said that he couldn’t tell you what Lord Robert said due to deafness in his right ear but confirmed that the accent of the other person was foreign. He also said that when they returned to the box later there was no one there and only one glass. They all thought the box next to Lord Robert’s was empty.


Lance Corporal Gummidge asked Mr Virens if they could see who was in each box and he brings them a list. Lord Robert was in box 8 the last on that side, next to it in box 7 was Lord Rust, box 6 was usually reserved by Mr De Worde and box 5 was usually reserved by Lord Vetinari but neither were in attendance that night. Mr Von Lipwig was in box 4 on the opposite side, box 3 was usually reserved by Lady Snapcase but she was not there that night, box 2 was reserved by Lord Downey and box 1 directly opposite box 8 was reserved by Lady Venturi. Having got all the information they could the Lance Corporals decided to visit the Venturis. The other Lance Corporals were in the Watch House canteen. Corporal Nobby Nobbs asked them if they think it was a vampire, they said it looked that way but weren’t sure, Corporal Nobbs shouted to Sergeant Colon that it was a vampire. Sergeant Colon seemed very perturbed by this and said the Commander would not be happy. Sergeant Colon leaves and two Sergeants wearing red jackets, shakos and black ankle length shirts with a small bustle. One has long curly blond hair and carries two sabres which are more comparable to meat cleavers, the other is tall with black hair and the extended canines and pale skin of a vampire. When asked Corporal Nobbs says they are Sergeants Perks and Maladicta of the Borogravian army. A few seconds later another two people entered wearing a uniform more comparable to that of the City Watch one is an average height man and the other is a woman with long canines and pale skin. Corporal Nobbs volunteers that the woman is Captain Von Humperdinck of the Bonk-Schmaltzberg City Watch but he doesn’t know who the other man is. Lance Corporal Cinder begins to shadow them as they take a seat at a table with Sergeants Perks and Maladicta. Lance Corporal Valley sees Constable Ping sitting at another table and begins a conversation with him in Agatean but it provides nothing but a few details of his personal life.


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